an old man came into my 21 year old sister’s pizza hut and wanted to use a $10 deal he had seen. she told him it had expired. he told her to go to hell. she smiled and said “have a nice day!”
the next day my family was at mass and during the sign of peace my mother leaned over and whispered to my sister, “go to hell.”
There are moments when I remember my young friend whose husband was shot and killed at random in April. I am hit with shockwaves of grief. I think that if I can feel that from this far away, maybe I and everyone else who cares about her is taking some of that burden away, just for a second. I think about if I ever lost Scott and I’m struck by such panic. It’s hard to know when you’re young what the rest of your life will look like, but it’s a terrifying thought to think that it could just end before it’s supposed to.
And it really helps for me to say this. There have been three major passenger plane accidents in the last week, and he’s still in Japan. I’m not going to feel at ease until I see him walk through the airport at JFK.
I am trying so hard not to be a clingy disaster while he’s away. I have a lot on my plate right now and while he’s always there to say “it’ll be fine,” and he’s always right, he’s not even there to do that right now. i have to be able to be strong by myself. I wish I could make him understand with a sentence that it feels like that time we stood waiting for the 6 train at Grand Central and I sobbed into his shoulder for a full ten minutes about how much I hated my job. This time it has nothing to do with hating my job and everything to do with not wanting this show to be a massive failure. I hired someone to direct it for me, which I don’t regret, but it means I have to accept watching another person struggle in places where I know I would shine. While I deal with paperwork and stuff I hate, to make something I love happen. I don’t regret this experience, but I can’t wait for it to be over. I want him back here with me. And yet I know he needs this vacation, probably for a million reasons. Least of which is he wanted to get away from work. But I don’t think I’m work.
If tomorrow someone told me I had the money to take a vacation to London for two weeks, I’d jump at it. And my communication with him would probably be very limited, and he’d probably understand.
I just don’t think I can go a full two weeks without hearing that he misses me, or hearing hardly anything at all. I can’t bear it. But the more I try to tell him sometimes that he needs to say what he might be thinking or feeling aloud, the more awkward he gets. It’s like trying to pet a turtle on the head. He just dives back in. It’s only when I disconnect and stop trying so hard that he does anything close to that. I don’t know what to say or what to do. I don’t know how to just trust him when he says that he’s happy, he’s not going to break up with me, he loves me, he wants to be with me. Maybe the amount of constant reassurance I need is a little unhealthy, but I don’t care.
also i have a play debuting in new york in like three weeks
WHAT THE FUCK
feels like my boyfriend has been in japan for a zillion trillion years
i blame the time difference and the fact that with about 4 exceptions we’ve spent every single weekend together since september of LAST YEAR